Thursday, March 1, 2012

Dear Mom.


I have been missing you so much lately. I am not surprised by this, but I've been caught off guard by the intensity of my sadness. I imagined that the pain would start to lessen. It had for a little bit. But suddenly it has seemed to come back with vengeance. I wake up thinking of you. I forget that you're not still here. I must be dreaming of you... I've pulled out my phone to call you twice in the past week. When my conscious realizes what my subconscious has forgotten, my heart aches.

I've spent some time trying to figure out what's different. What has changed? What is making my heart hurt worse than before? I think it's the way that I'm thinking of you. For a while, I was always thinking of you with cancer. The you who left us. The you of those last few months. I was sad that you were gone, but I had gotten used to not talking to you every day or going to the museum and shopping... Lately though, I've found myself thinking of you. The real you. The you that I loved and cherished for all of my life. The you I still love and cherish. On one hand I am so happy that the real you has returned to my thoughts. I was worried that I would always think of you dying, instead of you living. I am glad that I dream of you laughing, smiling, having fun! I dream of you being you. The sadness comes when I realize just how much I miss that you. My God, it's a desperate sadness that literally takes my breath away. I will never get on a plane with you, walk through the Park with you or watch you hold my babes again. I am literally sick just thinking of that... *breathe*

Thank you. Thank you for coming to my dreams the way that you do. Though I rarely remember the content of our visit, I find comfort in knowing that you are yourself again, wherever you are. Thank you for letting me see your smile again. For letting me hear your voice and your laugh. Thank you for reminding me of the joy we shared. 

Please keep visiting me.
I love you more than I know how to say. 

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Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!