Thursday, October 11, 2012

Happy Birthday, Wellsy

Happy Birthday, my Sweet Wellsy Boy!

This past year has been a difficult one, there's no secret there. But it's my hope that you always know how important you were and are. You were the light that gave hope to the darkest of days. You brought peace and joy to everyone, even when there was nothing but uncertainty and angst. You have brought more love into our crowded apartment than I thought was possible. You remind me regularly that this World is still capable of goodness. You have given me purpose... and faith.

Watching you this past year, has been a joy. From your first smiles, to your first steps. You amaze me with your fearlessness and your endless giggles. And watching Jack become a big brother has been equally amazing. He is so proud and confident, loving and gentle. It's wonderful to see all that you are both becoming! I know first hand the joys of being a sibling. I hope that you and Jack continue to love each other, care for one another and challenge each other to be better. I am so proud of both of you!

I have so many wishes for you. But above all, I wish that anytime you doubt yourself you remember all of the love that lives inside of you. Your spirit is capable of anything. Be brave, my love, after all, life is an adventure.

Happy 1st Birthday, Wells Thomas.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

A year ago

I was in the hospital, breathing through contractions, waiting to meet my sweet little babe.

This was taken as we were walking out the door to go to the hospital, where I was going to be induced. Despite my desires for an un-medicated birthing center delivery, my water was leaking and I needed to be induced 3 weeks early. Ready or not, my little one was on his way! 

I could have killed Nick for sneaking this pic during a contraction! 
Here I was, about 6 hours into my labor, sitting on a birthing ball & breathing deep. 
Wells Thomas came into the World about 3 hours later :)

I have to be honest, as I rocked Wellsy to sleep tonight, I cried. I cannot believe that he is already 1. 
I'm not ready.

I want to keep him teeny forever - well, not forever, but for a bit longer.

A year ago, my Mom sat in a chair beside my bed and cheered me on. She wasn't sure that she could stay awake into the night, but she did. And at 1:00am, when it was time to push, she got up out of her chair and held my hand as I delivered Wells. 
She held him before I did.
In that moment, she looked more alive than she had in months. She was elated. 
Life was the one thing that could make us all forget about Cancer.

Tonight I am so grateful for my healthy, happy baby boy.
I am grateful that we get to see his 1st birthday, even though I think it went too fast.
But above all, I am so grateful that my Mom held my hand and her sweet grand baby.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Tough Few Months.

I've been quiet for a while. It's been a tough few months and frankly, it's been difficult to find something positive to say.

This summer was filled with memories of a year ago.
When you told me that you were going to die, we cried at the thought of only 4 more precious years. Years. Ugh...
The plans we made when we thought that you wouldn't live to see your newest Grandson...
We took our last family vacation and savored a weekend together...
I turned 30, knowing it would be my last birthday with you.

These months have been unbearably difficult, and I'm certain that these next months will be no easier.

It's hard to feel so sad and lost, and so completely alone, when everyone around me seems to be living their lives. Moving on. Time hasn't stopped for everyone else, even though it feels like it should have.

Last week, on a particularly difficult day, I found Bethany's blog. It inspired me to find words and to keep writing. It reminded me that writing about my saddness isn't a cry for attention, it's real. It reminded me that gratitude and grief don't have to be mutually exclusive. Writing makes me feel less alone, and that is reason enough to do keep doing it. Thank you, Bethany.

So, here's to the future.