Friday, April 27, 2012

One year

A year ago my little boy was about to turn 1! I was newly pregnant with my little peanut. Life was good!

I woke up extra early on my boy's birthday and we watched the Royal Wedding together.
 This is such a terrible picture of me, I can't even believe I'm sharing it! 
It was after the Royal Wedding, after Jack woke up, while we were waiting 
for the Prince & Princess to kiss on the balcony :)
My Baby was 1!

I awaited the news from my Mom's doctor appointment.

We got everything ready for Jack's big day... We had a birthday picnic in the Park planned for the next day and we were hard at work getting everything prepared.

Saturday we had our picnic party with all of our friends and family. Jack had his own cake, which he tore apart. It was such a fun day. 

 That's my beautiful mother in the background watching Jack get his cake

Then, after my friends all left, my Mom asked if I would walk with her to the bathroom. My Dad & Nick followed close behind us. 

Then she told me that she had cancer. 

I know exactly where we were when she said the words. I can still hear them echoing in my head. Her voice was calm and steady. She was clearly worried about me and was trying hard to be calming. I didn't get upset. The exact words that I told her were "OK. Well, we're gonna beat it." I literally had no doubts that she would be OK and that we would beat this. I told her that I was grateful for 2 things. The first was our family, because I knew that we could get through anything. The second was her proximity to New York City. I knew that she had access to the World's Best medical care here. I was calm and certain that this would be OK. I may have welled up a bit, but I didn't really cry right away.

Just one year later I am here preparing for my baby's 2nd Birthday... and she's gone.

I go between resentment and anger that my boy will forever have to share his birthday with this memory, and hope that his celebration will give me reason to feel happy... In a nutshell, it sucks.

It's a tough week. And I hate not being excited about my Baby's birthday party.

Earlier this week, while we were talking about his party Jack asked me to invite Nanny Shells. He said "Mommy, tell Nanny Shells to come. She can see Mommy and see Papa". That about broke my heart. At the same time, I'm so glad that he remembers her enough to miss her. 

I miss her. I hate hating my kid's birthday. But I thank God for my kids. They get me through and give me a reason to smile every single day.

Whether they know it or not, both my boys are in this picture :)

If I have survived this year, I can survive this week.

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