525,600 minutes

It's been 525,600 minutes since you left us. 365 days of mourning, coping, grieving, loving, missing and living.

I can't understand how a year could have past while the pain can still feel so fresh. I can't imagine how I managed to make it through 365 days without your advice, support, love and company. But mostly, I can't imagine how many years there are yet to come without you.

I spent this first year trying to get through it. And now that we're on the other side, I'm left with the realization that I have many, many more years yet to come. That is a daunting realization. How do I learn to be a Mother without one? How do I learn how to be myself without your guidance? How do I decide if the cough is bad enough for a call to the pediatrician? How do I redecorate my apartment without your advice on where the couch should go?

I miss you so much, Mommy. I miss your smile, your enthusiasm, your sense of adventure. I miss your reassurance. Your sense of just knowing. Mostly though, I miss your friendship. Your calls to just say hello and see how the boys where doing. The daily "How did he sleep last night?" or the "those shoes just went on sale...". The plans to have dinner after work or to take an adventure to Petra. I just miss you.

And after spending 365 days focused on getting through the first 365 days, I'm now faced with this bitter reality that there are endless days yet to come. But I am strong and I am brave. And now matter how difficult the day may be, I move forward. I am living. And for that I am proud, and I know that you are too.

I love you, Mommy.